Your absence from my life for these past years has served as a painful and palpable reminder that I lost one of the most colorful souls.
In the wake of your demise, I was a total train wreck. In the years you have been gone, I started the process of organizing my life without you – awkwardly trying to fill up the spaces you once occupied with new activities, new acquaintances. Despite all of my effort to charge ahead and leave you behind, I still lurk in your shadows thinking you will come back to life.
I have tried to put you out of my mind and carry on. I have gone through every day putting one foot forward – convincing myself that I am walking in the right direction.
We were on the bludgeon and plume of a hearty teenage life when you were plucked out of existence. Then I was left in a world of distractions nursing wounds that will never heal.
There is something visceral about writing notes to you. When life hit me will that random unfairness, and I was left reeling, and adrift – the only refuge was for me to reach for the pen. I found clarity and expression in the face of your death. Confronted with the prospect of losing you, I gained the courage to put my feelings into words and write poignant, heartbreaking notes to you, my beloved.
It is the legacy of my words full of the kind of love, strength and rebellious spirit that made your death seem almost an impossibility. They bubbled with warmth, humanity and clear – headed foresight that I could only have garnered from that dark moment. They have formed a comforting keepsake that I pour out year after year.
It is your demise that trained me on the essence of life. You left me with the best tool – a pen. It is with over spilling urge of emotion that I have kept your memory with love and pride.
I had wanted you to grow up and be a success at whatever you were attempting to do. The time I did spend with you was wonderful and enjoyable. It is after you, that I began to face life with a positive outlook. You taught me to not permit life to defeat me.You trained me to fight the turbulence of life.
The reason I hold your memory is not just because I adored you, it is because I did so fervently and purely as any good man would do to the lady in her life. I look back at a life that had been glorious towards your last days.
You gave me a life suffused with love, support and friendship. We had wonderful years. I wanted to know you for longer but your heart failure couldn’t let us.
Even though you can’t see me, I know you are always watching over me.I know you want me to face life stoically. I know you want me to take it in both hands, grab it, shake it and believe in every second of it.I know you want me not to settle for less.
Life has been a lot of grey and sadness – but I have been looking for a rainbow to frame it with. And part of it is your memory. We shared a loyalty that linked through blood. I treasured you with all the love that I could muster. I believe life is worth living – and your short encounter with it is a testimony. I had the tremendous joy and gratification of living life with you.
You were my steady rock, my gentle giant, my best friend, my confidante and my everything. You were amazing. You left an imprint that will always be with me wherever I go. You made life worthwhile. My admiration for you has always been infinite.
At first, things had gone into something like a frugoid.It was just a mere procession of days without color. The knowledge that you were never going to come back was a nightmare for me.You were an extraordinary human being.
The cliché about people moving on with their lives is true. I had my burdens to carry and the last thing people wanted was for me to constantly tramp my big griefy footprints into their lives. I had the best years of deep companionship and love – the kind that only comes once in a lifetime.
Life had been empty without you. It had been fairly aimless. But there is perhaps one question nobody will ever answer me: Why did you go so soon?
I miss you.